The Never Ending Balancing Act

 

When was the last time you sat down and organized your priorities? If you are a new mom you are experiencing an upheaval of your past priorities and experience and you are about to begin a new. Before all of your old priorities get lost in dippers and toothless smiles we recommend taking some time to journal those things that are most important to you and consider how you are going to keep your actions consistent with your priorities. The statement “you can do anything you want, but not everything” is not only true but also liberating.

 

While you are considering your priorities consider your desires. As young women many of us had our lives planed out right to this point. You are now holding your little one. You have arrived, so what about the next 60 years of your life. What do you desire? How are you going to remain motivated? What kind of mom do you plan to be? How are you going to maintain that desire? It is time for some serious contemplation and goal setting. (If you have a newborn, get over the sleep deprivation and then consider this chapter. We all know that the desire for shear survival takes precedence.)

 

One of our friends told us how having goals is important to her, “I really have to set goals in order to take care of myself in different areas. When I do not have goals then I get caught up in… ‘all I have to do is take care of my kids’…it makes my days monotonous and my free time unproductive. I recently set a goal of studying the Book of Mormon by myself each day. This has honestly brought so much more meaning into my day and has changed my attitude and insight about life! It is amazing what studying the Book of Mormon can do for you in so many aspects – seriously.”

 

In order to achieve peace in ones life we must maintain balance. Steven Covey gives one of our favorite analogies when he teaches about the course of an airplane. An airplane is almost never directly on course. It is in a constant state of correction. Even though it is off course 95% of the time it arrives perfectly at its destination because of the constant correction process. We believe that is the way it is with maintaining balance in our lives. Finding balance takes some organization, and our friends have a lot of advise about how they maintain balance.

 

Maybe also use Coveys visual of rocks in jar first, then sand, then water to illustrate to make time for the most important things.

There are many ways to diagram balance. I prefer the following: Notice that spiritual balance is on the bottom. If one looses this foundation of faith and the eternal perspective it becomes difficult, if not impossible to hold the rest of life together. Of course we must also consider educational, physical, and finally, social balance which can be a part of all other aspects of life. Social does not require it’s own category, as it can be a part of every other category. This diagram is found in The Confident You by Barbara Jones. I need to look it up and add it.

In emphasizing the need for balance one of our friends told her sad story, “You can't take care of someone else until you have taken care of yourself. I was extremely stressed out after having my baby. He had colic and a bunch of other things. I stopped taking care of myself thinking that he needed more of my time. As I stopped eating healthy, and sometimes didn't eat, I didn't exercise and just didn't take care of myself spiritually or any other way because I felt my baby needed more of me. As I did this, I became more and more stressed until I just didn't have anything left to give. I got to a point where I didn't even like my baby. I wished I could be working and he was in daycare. I didn't want to be his mother. I didn't like him and I didn't like myself. It hurt my baby, my marriage, and me. It is critical that you determine what are your real emotional, physical, spiritual, and social NEEDS (as a mother, many of your wants will not get filled and often needs have to be put off for a while). Those needs need to be met or you will get too burned out and will be unable to care for your baby and your husband.”

 

As you consider balance in your life, remember that you cannot do it all. Do only what is essential, and what is essential varies from person to person. Life is long.

 

Save something for your later life. Avoid extremes and excesses. Life doesn’t not have to be exciting to be rewarding. “Normal day” let me see you for the treasure you are.

 

You may notice as you read on that multitasking is one key to success in maintaining balance. You can involve your kids or friends in any of these parts of life. Now is the time of your life that your family should be involved with what you are doing. For example, take a friend when you go for a walk. This will help you educationally, physically, socially, and depending on the friend it may also be a spiritual support. Let’s consider each category of balance on it’s own.

 

Spiritual

Maintaining your relationship with your Savior and constantly being a student of the gospel is fundamental to happiness. Of course prayer and scripture study must be a part of every day. One of our friends with twin boys said, “When my boys were about 3 months old I started reading one chapter of the Book of Mormon to them each day. I have been amazed how the stories of the book have come to life for me as I have shared this treasured book with them. Obviously they don’t understand what I am reading to them, but it helps build their language skills and helps me to meet a spiritual need.” I would like to find a quote about the capacity of children to understand scripture.

We recommend taking advantage of every church related activity you can, with your kids. Simply maintaining close association with your fellow ward members will uplift and inspire you on a regular basis.

 

One of our friends stated, “I had to change my biological clock when I became a parent. I found the only time I was alert enough for dedicated study scriptures was early in the morning so I made myself get up each morning. What I felt was a sacrifice, I have since come to know was one of the greatest blessings in my life and it has become not only easy but necessary to get up and have my quiet time with the Lord. Many miracles and answers to prayers have occurred as a direct result of this commitment. I believe it is essential to commit to daily, dedicated scripture study sometime each day.”

 

One of our friends who has six kids under the age of eight gets creative to get her scripture study in. She said she finds it useful to “read while doing the laundry. There is usually a little time when you’re waiting on a load to finish. So after folding a load of laundry, and before I get the next one out of the dryer, I’ll read a few pages. That way when it’s time for bed, I’ve already read my scriptures and it’s not a problem if I’m too tired. Another friend combines her scripture reading with eating her breakfast because she knows she will always eat.

 

Prayer is another essential part of spiritual balance. There is a quote about how praying once a day as a family used to be enough, but families should be praying together more than that.

Some other idea I would like to include are having family testimony meeting on fast Sundays, family home evening and church attendance and service. If you have stories, quotes or testimonies of any of these things please add.

 

Education

Obviously I need help in this section. I was thinking of adding info on reading (book clubs), attending enrichment activities, and taking community education classes.

 

Physical

One of our friends said, “I love to exercise with other girlfriends as well, which gives us great talking time, you know, to solve all of the world’s problems!” Studies have shown that daily physical exercise help suppress depression as much as antidepressants. Although we strongly encourage getting whatever medical help you may need.

 

Exercise can be done with kid. Kids, even babies love to get out and go for a walk or enjoy the excitement of the gym.

 

Maybe include something about church or community sports teams for adult women. Which allows for exercise and social time.

 

Social

To create a social network requires effort. Although, we believe it is well worth the effort. Many of our friends enjoy a girls night out once a month or so. “I love to have Girls Night Out (GNO). This is sometimes with friends and other times with my sisters and mom. It usually occurs once a month and is so rejuvenating. Whether we are watching a movie, going to a play, going out to eat, scrap booking, eating, socializing, or attending an event, it is a chance to “refill that bucket”. It is great to get out, but also nice to be with other women who are at similar stages as myself.” Enrichment activities are a perfect girls night out. Keep your change for when a friend wants to go out for ice cream.

 

Mommy Time

We have mentioned mommy time before, but our friends have been so clear on the importance of it in creating balance that we have to mention it again. We recommend enforcing a strict naptime (quite time for older preschoolers) this naptime is good for kids, and really good for moms. This is where you can get your mommy time every day. One of our friends gave some great advice, “I’ve learned that I never ‘find time’ for little breaks, because I don’t think life ever slows down. I have to be assertive and TAKE time.” In emphasizing the importance of balance one of our friends told us, “If I don't take care of myself there is much less of me to take care of my children.”

 

If you are having time making “mommy time” you may consider creating a “drop-off play group” with a few of your friends. It works just like a baby-sitting cohort. Essentially you choose a time of the week that you all want to make your mommy time. One friend stays with the kids each week and the others go have their mommy time for a couple of hours. It is amazing what a few hours a week can do for a mom. It is great for mom, but it is also good for the kids to get out and enjoy developing their social skills.

 

One of our friends seems to have her balance figured out. She said, “I’m my own boss in this new job and I can do whatever I want. I can go to the gym, I can watch TV, I can clean, garden, do laundry, go to lunch, nap, go to play group, do my calling…. or not! I can do whatever I feel like and need to do. I make sure that I read my scriptures. I make sure that I write in my journal. I make sure that I get a shower and get ready every morning. I make sure that I get snuggle time with my husband each evening. I plan activities if I’m lonely and I make sure that I have one outing a day.” She has figured out what she needs.

 

One of our friends has created a system she describes as follows: I have 3 x 5 cards one for each day of the week, I then have written on them what house chores need to be done from general cleaning to deep cleaning that way I can be sure the house is getting a good cleaning routinely and not stress that I am not getting to things more than once a week. Even then not everything on my list gets done I like the philosophy that the dishes and dust will be there tomorrow, but your children grow up to fast so live in the moment and enjoy them while you can.”

 

All of this being said one of our friends reminded us, “It’s so easy to get overwhelmed with the big picture. Just remember we have here and now and now are what counts. Make each moment a memory, something good, something worth doing.”

 

Create A Plan

We could all use improvement in our homes to solidify our families. There is a formula for reevaluation that we would encourage you to use. The key to this tree step system is THINKING about what you want, because what your mind can imagine it can create. Just as we read in the Doctrine and Covenants, “Ask in FAITH, BELIEVING and ye shall receive. We know that “as a man THINKETH so is he and that there really is power in positive thinking.

 

STEP 1: Imagine what you WOULD LIKE your home (refuge) to be like. In writing describe in as much detail as possible what it will feel like, look like, smell like, and sound like. What will the routine be like, what will your children remember when they are grown?

 

STEP 2: Write in as much detail as possible what you are CURRENTLY DOING in your home. Once again what is your current routine. What tone of voice or words do you use? What are you spending most of your time doing? Are you finding joy in each moment? Are your rules producing the affect you want? How are you creating balance? Mark the things in step two that are working and then in a different way mark the things that are not working.

 

STEP 3: Make a NEW PLAN and start doing it. Stop doing what isn’t working. Educate yourself. (Read Books, Take Classes, and Follow Instincts)

 

As you create this plan you may also want to create a mission statement. Place this statement in places where you will see it often, and it will remind you of thing priorities in your life. One of our friends shared her mission statement, and it reads as follows:

 

I am a confident, beautiful, bold woman who is intelligent, kind, generous and mature. I am a physically fit, well taken care of, healthy and fun individual. I am a loving mother who gently teaches and guides her two exquisite daughters. I am a happy, trusting wife who loves her husband with her whole heart and cherishes his friendship. I am a daughter of God and an ambassador of Christ.

 

The joy you find in Motherhood boils down to one thing, your attitude. One of our friends said, “When my belly first began to stretch with my first pregnancy, I hated each little bit that it grew. I decided this wasn’t how I wanted to feel about my pregnancy and forced myself to stand in front of a full-length mirror and say nice things about by belly night after night. It may seem rather cheesy, but by the end of my pregnancy, I truly loved that belly of mine.” That same approach can be taken with any aspect of life.