More than Parents Partners

 

This would be a great place for a story if anyone has one.

As mothers who love our children and want the very best for them, we sometimes loose perspective of the eternal relationship that we have with the single most important person in our lives, our husbands.

 

We could write a book on all of the things we wish our husbands would do differently. As mature adults we must realize that the only person we have control over is ourselves. The time has come to stop wishing he would do this or that differently and take a good look at what we are doing, what we could do differently and how that may affect his actions.

 

President Hinckley often remarked that the best and only way to have a successful marriage is to think constantly of the well being of your spouse. We would add Sister Nelson’s remarks (in Russel M. Nelson: Father, Surgeon, Apostle), that if you lower your expectations to zero, you can only be pleasantly surprised. We have a friend whose husband was a full-time student and also worked full time. Due to consumer debt she was also forced to work full-time leaving their little one in day care. She spent months being resentful and angry toward her husband, which put a great strain on their marriage. One day this idea of zero expectations dawned on her. She decided she was going to mentally consider herself a single mother. She decided to work her hardest, live within her means, give her child all of the care and love she could, and then, on the rare occasion that her husband was home she found joy in having him around as apposed to lecturing him about all of her expectations he was not fulfilling. She said that after making this mental change she became a much happier mother and wife.

 

Maybe add something from the Proclamation on the Family here.

One of our friends said that when she reads in the proclamation that it is her primary job to nurture it doesn’t bother her as much when her husband is less helpful than she thinks he should be at home. This helps her to remember that she and her husband have very different roles in the home.

 

Being parents together builds a special bond between husband and wife unlike anything else we will ever experience in this life. Consider the love and respect you should have for your husband. Watch him while he plays with your children and remember to thank your Heavenly Father for him.

 

There are some basic things that we recommend that will help to make your marriage stronger.

1. Spend Time Together

2. Build Your Relationship around God

3. Council Together

4. Express Love

 

Spend Time Together

When asked what she and her husband did to make time for each other one of our friends jokingly said, “Make time for each other? Is that sitting on the same couch and watching T.V.?” Turn off the T.V.! If you lack the self-control to turn it off you may want to consider getting rid of it. Another friend told us about her experience of not having a T.V. She said, “I found that when we had one, we would watch it to unwind at the end of the day. Instead, we now have more time to talk and we spend more time outdoors.” If you are a T.V. watcher consider the hours each day you could spend communicating and expressing love to your husband and children if the television was not occupying your time.

 

Spending time together, dating, does not necessarily mean spending money. It may just mean getting the kids to bed. One friend commented that she feels comfortable knowing that nearly every day, we will have at least two waking hours alone together because we put our kids to bed at 8:00. When it’s difficult to pay a babysitter or spend money on regular dates, the nightly date is a great consolation. One of our friends admitted that she would like to make a change. She said, “A new goal of mine is to have my kids go to bed earlier and at a set time so Keith and I can have time to visit, read scriptures, be a couple! I am currently doing the wrong method of putting the kids to bed when we are both exhausted, then we hurry through our scripture study, mumble a prayer, and go to sleep. I think our time together could be more quality if we start earlier in the evening while the kids our not in the middle of us.”

 

One key to a successful date night is to leave the problems and the children at home not only physically but emotionally and in conversation too. When you are on dates concentrate on enjoying each other and getting to know each other better. This is a time to focus on your relationship and to simply enjoy being together. This is not only a good way to build your relationship, but it is a way to express your love.

 

Another key to date nights is to plan ahead. Life is not as spontaneous with children as it may have once been. If you are going to get out on a date you have got to plan for it. It won’t just happen without effort. On thing we have enjoyed doing is getting season tickets for events. We both like live theater so we get season tickets at the theater company which forces us into a formal date at least every other month. It is also nice to save up for one big date night expenditure and then enjoy the events all year around. We have friends who have standing night that their baby sitter is scheduled. For some of our friends they have a baby sitter scheduled for every Friday. We have other friends who have their baby sitter scheduled the third Wednesday of each month so that they can make it to ward temple night. Having someone scheduled in advanced to watch the kids can be wonderful.

 

On occasion it may be worth spending some extra money to have quality time together. Josh and I make it a priority to go on at least one mini vacation with just the two of us each year. We have found that this time together, away from our daily routine reminds us of why we love each other so much. It gives us time to laugh, talk, and enjoy being intimate. The money we spend is secondary to the great experiences we have had.

 

Some of our friends do babysitting co-ops in order to avoid the expense of babysitters for date nights. The co-op can consist of as few as two couples or as many as six. For the purpose of our example let’s say there are four couples who want to make Friday night their date night. Three out of four weeks you would take your kids to the other couples homes on Friday evenings from say 6:00 to 10:00 PM. Then one week in four you would be responsible for watching all of the kids from the four families. Many of our friends highly recommend setting up a co-op in order to get out without the kids.

 

Children need the security of knowing that parents put each other first.

 

Build Your Relationship Around God

Add stories quotes or testimony about daily companionship prayer. One idea is to say I love you or kiss at the end of the prayer. Praying together creates unity in a family beyond anything that could be created without the help of God.

 

Add testimony or stories of Daily Scripture study and regular temple attendance.

 

Council Together

One of our friends says, “Our weekly family councils are the best thing we have done. Knowing that we are both planning on talking together uninterrupted for 1-2 hours each Sunday night, and that we can bring up any issues and will be able to work them out calmly and united, is the best feeling!”

 

Counseling together gives couples an opportunity to work out differences of opinions. To express openly, honestly and calmly resentment or anger is healthy because these feelings penned up become dangerous and explosive. It also gives couples an opportunity to openly express appreciation and recognize all that the other partner is doing for the good of the family.

 

Having kids increase the need of parents to be aware of the other partner’s needs. Moms need a break from kids. Also, dads who work all day may need some wind down time too. Communicating and being selfless is very important. Selflessness fosters more selflessness (from the partner).

 

One of our friends said, “We try to spend time talking each evening as we are going to bed about the day events and our highlights of the day. I try to ask him what his needs are or plans for the day and if he needs me to help.”

Having dinner together creates a time for families to communicate.

 

One friend, a mother of three said, "probably one of the most surprising transitions for me has been in co-parenting. I married my very best friend and absolutely adore him. Some people are shocked to hear we didn’t have a fight until four years into marriage when we had our first child. (Well actually there was a small frustration when he taught me to drive a clutch uphill in the winter, with snow.) But I would say our marriage was bliss. Then came our child (and a colicky one) and we were disagreeing on how to let her cry it out. That was foreshadowing on the disagreements on disciplining our children. I have come to realize that here are two parents that were raised in two different homes. The homes were both well managed, strong members of the church, with well-raised children. But we were raised in very different environments. One was strict and well organized. The other was more gentle and positive. They both worked and produced wonderful families. Now we had to work together to combine the two.

 

The lessons she has leaned through this experience is profound, “I have come to realize that we can create the perfect balance. My husband brings in great consistency and discipline. I bring in the positive side and gentleness. However, it was a transition as we learned to become one and not let it get between us. We each had to learn from the other’s strengths and stand behind each other 100% of the time for our marriage sake and for the kid’s sake. They need to know that you are one. Disciplining is probably the hardest thing to figure out, especially because every child is so different and truthfully needs to be disciplined differently. I have found a great resource “Parenting with Love and Logic” that has helped us in this aspect. It is a good thing to read as a couple to continue to become one as parents and recognize how you can raise great children.”

 

Express Love

Everyone feels and expresses love in different ways. (Love Language book) The most obvious way to express love is to simply tell your husband that you love him. To hear a genuine expression of love is vitally important for some people. Tell your husband that he is attractive to you and the reasons why you love him. This will make him feel good, but it will probably also remind you why you love him. You may also try coupling this expression of love with a kiss or a physical expression of love.

 

Intimacy is an important part of a healthy marriage. Remember, it does not hurt your baby to fuss while you are being intimate with your husband, but it could hurt your marriage if you always make the baby your first priority.

 

One of our friends shows her love for her husband by trying to do all of her errands and responsibilities as possible while he is away. Then when he is at home she has more time free to focus on him and the family.

 

Other ideas for expressing love include:

Say, “I love you” every day

Give at least one non-sexual embrace every day

Pay at least one sincere complement every day

Putting love notes in his lunches

Having dinner ready when he gets home

Planning meals or treats that he likes

Allowing him to get a few minutes of extra sleep

Learning his hobbies so you can do them together

 

I would like to reference the following books and possibly use some quotes from them. The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Laura Schlessinger and the Five Love Languages for Couples by ??