Making the Decision to Stay Home

 

For many the decision to stay at home or work is obvious. To some, staying home is the only option and they plan never to work outside the home. It makes perfect sense to them that “no one can raise their child like they can,” and working outside the home would only be an option in the most dyer circumstances. To others, they can see no way that staying at home would ever be an option. They love their children, and in order to feed, cloth, and house them they must work. It is irrelevant if they want to stay home or not.

 

There are some for whom the decision is just that, a big decision. If they were willing to make the sacrifices they could possibly stay home, but they must ask if they are willing to give up the extra car and the eating out. Money is just the beginning of the things that are sacrificed when mothers make the decision to stay home with the children. They give up, friendships, advancements, and certain types of validation. Of course they also give up politics, unreasonable expectations, and sometimes-unpleasant work environments. What they gain in return is immeasurable.

 

I thought the decision to stay at home was obvious for me until I experienced it. I went through a time that I thought returning to work may be best for the welfare of the entire family. I felt that I was struggling emotionally. There was a void in my life. I loved my job. I enjoyed the association I had with my colleagues. I liked being able to complete a project, lesson, and school year. I liked the validation I received when I did a job well, and I especially liked the paycheck and benefits. For me it was an especially tricky balancing act. Still the blessings that I have received from being home with my children, and the things that I haven’t missed, I wouldn’t trade for any career in the world.

 

What does it mean to be a “stay-at-home-mom?”

When I began my life as a stay-at-home-mom I thought staying at home meant I didn’t do anything to contribute financially to the family. I thought that my job was simply to be a mom, wife and homemaker. I quickly learned that doing just those things, without exploring my hobbies, even if those hobbies made money were not alone fulfilling to me. It is our opinion that being a stay at home mom doesn’t mean that you never leave the house without your kids. It does mean that you are the primary care giver of your children and your home. One must come to ones own conclusion what this means to you, always keeping in mind the question, “What is best for the children?” It might be best for the children to spend a few hours a week with someone else so that you can get a needed brake. It might be best for them to always be with you. Having a happy healthy mom (mentally and physically) is what is best for the children. What will it take for your needs to be met so that you can meet the needs of the rest of the family?

 

Staying at home with your children means so much more than taking care of the kids. Your career becomes that of a homemaker. President David O. McKay said that motherhood is the most important job we will ever have. Just as childhood is fleeting, so is our time of influence with our children.

 

Get Creative

Many couples are forced to get creative in order for mom to stay home because of financial reasons. Other couples need to get creative in order for mom to stay sane. What will work for you depends completely on your personality and your hobbies.

 

Some part-time jobs are ideal for sane motherhood – opportunities to earn a bit of money to call your own, excuses to leave the house without your children, or a chance to interact socially, even if they are kids-in-tow jobs. Consider doing work outside your home that makes you feel like an expert, such as teaching or training someone. That can address the need for recognition. Make it volunteer work and you’ll meet the community involvement need as well. The ideal position for feeling smart and accomplishing something: adult literacy tutor. Call your local library now and sign up.

 

You can be creative about earning extra money or getting outside the house: get a good camera and take great photos of your friends’ kids and start a business like our friend Britta; find a great job tending an office on Saturdays and spend the time reading while your husband takes the kids on outings – it worked great for Jeni; Acknowledge the musical talent you have - even if it is for the clarinet, like Stephanie, and offer lessons in your ward and nearby schools. These things may or may not fit with your past career or education, but they will meet some of your needs. Teach aerobics. It works for Jill. She uses the day care at the YMCA to watch her kids, she gets her exercise, receives validation and social interaction from the other gym goers, and exercises her mind as well in order to make up routines and keep everyone going.

 

Many of our friends have found that working one day or afternoon a week is what they need in order to create balance. The helps them to keep up their professional skills, gets them out of the house, gives them something to look forward to, creates some extra spending money, and gives them needed outside interaction. If it is possible for your husband to take the children that day it can also make him so much more appreciative of the work that you do in the home. Although we give a word of caution, don’t forget that it is important for families to all be home together sometimes.

 

Some of our friends recommend working from home. If you choose to work at home, remember it is still working. Sure you might get away from some of the guilt of leaving the house, but you will still be busy and unavailable to take care of your other responsibilities. One friend noted that her kids were naughtier when she was working (even though she was home) and better behaved when she wasn’t. She commented, “Kids know when you are not giving them your attention and they don’t settle for less then they deserve.” We recommend getting the needed help even if you choose to work from home.

 

Exceptions

To every rule there is an exception. President Hinkley said, “DO THE BEST YOU CAN.” There are situations where mom must work.

 

One single mom reminded us that, “everyone knows a child needs his/her mother, but what the world forgets is that a mother needs her child.” It is unfortunate when a mother must leave her children full-time, but the Lord knows ones heart.

 

Our friends have a huge variety of experiences and circumstances. Many of them stay home, and others work. Following is the experience of Jenn, “I decided when I was pregnant with my first that I would not stay home. We had a complicated financial situation and it seemed as though I would HAVE to work. When my son was born it didn’t take long before I was determined to try and stay home. We made it work with the Lord’s help.” Jenn’s story teaches us that sometimes we think there is no option, but with the help of the Lord and some careful planning we can make staying at home and raising our own children work.

 

Jenn’s story continues, “ since then, my husband started medical school and for the first year, I worked in order to establish the opportunity to purchase a home, which as soon as we did I quit my job. During the year that I worked, my relationship with my husband and son suffered. Emotionally, I was a disaster. I harbored a lot of guilt for the time spent away from my son and the low quality of the time I did get to spend with him. Being a full-time mom is hard. However, it’s sooo much easier than trying to “do it all.” As much as I mourn the loss of certain aspects of my life before children, I can’t imagine not having them, and not having the time to nurture and love them that I do.”

 

Sara lost her husband to cancer when her daughter was only a toddler. She shared the following story:

 

I was 30 years old when I had my miracle child. I was told by five specialists that I would never have a child, but there she was. She was 18 months old when her father died of cancer. My transitions were tremendous. I had a baby I was told I would never have, and then her father died after a tumultuous nine months of illness. Even though I was a registered nurse, I was a geriatric nurse and did not know how to care for a baby, nor had anything in my life prepared me for being a widow so early!

 

I was thrilled to have a child. I enjoyed my pregnancy and was jumping off the delivery room table in order to be with my little one. My goal was to have more children and never work again. I was a professor at a local university at the time.

 

I had no problem with not working; it was such a joy to have my beautiful baby girl!! However, my biggest transition was budgeting the money. Our salary had been cut in half, and I had not prepared for it. In the “olden” days women didn’t manage the money, but it made sense for me to do it since I was at home. I had no idea as to what to do! I simply took it at the basic level and now am an expert!

 

I had a dozen pint canning bottles and I labeled each one as to how the money was to be spent. With two incomes, my husband and I didn’t ever worry about the cost of something. We had a great deal of money with both of our incomes. I was shocked that neither of use could make a list of our bills. We simply paid them with out any worry. Once we had gone through a month and identified and recorded what our bills were, I put hose amounts on the bottles along with what the money was to pay. Then I cased my husband’s check and put the right amount of money in each bottle. The first month I forgot to budget food. Gas was a variable (we had two cars), and I did not know how to plan for it. We had a large extended family, so I started making gifts rather than buying things.

 

Eventually, I learned our spending needs and got very good at managing the money. I always paid tithing and a small amount into savings. The need to make cute, “made with love” gifts introduced me to a circle of “crafty friends” and an entire new world of learning!

 

I realize that young women today have more experience with money than I did 45 years ago, but the point is to not be embarrassed by what you don’t know. Instead begin at the beginning, get help, find a way to learn the basics of whatever you need and get the job done!

 

One thing I did after my husband died was work one night shift a week. That and the social security money gave us an income of $700.00 a month. Yes! Seven hundred dollars! We had insurance on the house so it was paid for when Gary died, and with one shift a week we could make it and have fun. I want to point out that my education was a profound blessing! For example, if I were a nursing assistant rather than a registered nurse, I would have had to work full time to make the amount I made with one shift as an RN. Another point is to insure your house so it is paid for if either you or your husband dies. I have been grateful for my home my entire life. Finally, my daughter never knew we were living on a limited income, because I never mentioned it. I never let her know if I was worried about the money. I made sure we had fun everyday! One of the practical thinks I did was accept help from a friend. She had two daughters just older than Emily and gave me all of the hand me down clothing. I made the closet in the sewing room into “Suzan’s Closet.” Suzan was the name of my friend. So whenever my daughter needed something new we made a big deal of going to Suzan’s closet and going shopping. We tried on clothes, debated over colors and in general had a great shopping experience!! My daughter was the best-dressed girl around because of my thoughtful friend Suzan.

 

I worked one night a week as a nurse from the time my daughter was two until she went to junior high school. I was a widow and there were just the two of us. Once she went to junior high school, it simply cost more for her activities and clothing. So, I went to work half time. I was fortunate enough to have weekends and holidays off as well as summers. It worked out very well and my daughter learned how to be independent and make decisions for the short time she was alone. I went to work full time when she went to high school, and when she went to college, I worked my regular job and a part time one. I feel that I was with her all I could be and also took care of her fiscal needs.

 

I resisted the common desire to have things money could buy and instead learned how to make things work with in the existing budget. I learned a great deal about nutrition and cooking, sewing and all kinds of handwork. Emily earned blue ribbons at the State Fair for her crocheting five years in succession. She learned to love handwork as well. I would trade time and skills with friends so what we needed and enjoyed we could have. It was great!!!

 

While I worked there was one rule that I never broke. It was TO BE AT THE CROSSROADS. I could be at work (6 miles away through heavy traffic) and would drive home to see to it that she had supper, a ride somewhere or money. These are the things that keep kids from mooching, stealing or lying about things they do. If she had an activity that night I would see about the transportation and then go back to work if I had a big project going. If there were no activities for her, then we would spend the evening together in whatever way we thought best. She always was my priority. If she was home, I was home!!!

 

I strongly recommend having a fall back plan for your income. I had no idea that I would be a widow at age 30 with an 18-month-old baby. I was the first member of my family to go to school after high school and I will always be grateful to my parents for understanding how much I wanted an education and supporting me in my decision.

 

I also had friends, some of them single, and we raised our children together. We had play days, and did many holiday activities together. We used each other as crying pillows when being single became too much. A strong support system of family and friends is critical to develop and use when necessary. Besides we had great fun together!!

 

I loved being an “almost” stay at home mom. I would change nothing! I was there when my daughter learned how to use her tongue for exploring her mouth, to see her walk and to hear her talk. We played together and often had her friends over. I remember her 16th birthday party. There were 70 kids at our house, cars and trucks parked all over the lawn and the house full of happy kids who were not drinking, smoking, having sex or even swearing. I was able to make our home a haven for her and others who needed it. I was with my daughter all the way through school (she has a masters degree) and to her marriage to the perfect man in the Logan Temple. Now I am a grandma and life cannot be any better than this. We worked hard at learning and growing, but we did it together and all went well. I love being a mother and have enjoyed every day I have had with my daughter. I remember the day when she was less than a year when she spent the entire day playing with her tongue. There is so much to learn in managing a tongue!!! Whenever I am with her, she brings me joy. I loved her terrible twos, her toilet training (she was so cute on that small potty chair!), her prepubescence questioning; and her teenage years. Then she really grew up and I could see that she was a truly wonderful woman. She has her master’s degree and was a very successful professional; a loving wife and mother who has chosen to be a stay- at- home mom; a faithful daughter of Heavenly Father who accepts and fulfills her callings with humility. She also is a loving daughter who cares about me, her disabled mother. I would not give up one minute with her, not one! The reward for motherhood comes every day and it just gets better and better as your child grows into each new phase of life. I was a very successful professional and take pride in the work I did as a professor of nursing, however, if I would have failed my daughter, none of it would have significance in my life. I am very grateful to have the opportunity to be my child's mother.

 

Another friend shared her exceptional experience. “I have a great job that I really enjoy and good benefits. So it made sense for me to continue working, and have my husband stay with my daughter while he finishes school. This decision has been difficult for both of us at times. We are both anxious for the time that I can stay home and he can work. I am happy with the way things are now, but also looking forward to the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Consider the Cost of Working

With the high cost of day care, the take-take out dinners and lunches out, the extra commute, the higher tax bracket, the dry cleaning and professional wardrobe, the housekeeper and other added expenses consider the “real” cost of working. You may not be making money as it first appears.

 

I want to find a quote or stat about men who have a wife making more because of her support. I have heard this, but I haven't looked up concrete evidence.

Being a Homemaker is the Ultimate Career

Find the Ultimate Career quote by C.S. Lewis

You owe it to your family to let them be your main focus. Part of making the transition out of your previous career is having closure (discussed in chapter 1). Our friend Katie, mother of four reminds us “motherhood is the best career because ultimately it is the only thing that matters. How your children end up as adults is greatly shaped by the training and influence they receive at home.” She casually adds, “However, staying at home is challenging at times because it is like five or more full time jobs!”

 

Keeping an Eternal Perspective and Positive Attitude

One of our friends admitted, “it took years for me to learn that I couldn't do it without God and my own personal angels. I couldn't get rid of the "glorious" mindset of being a working mom until I changed my focus and tried earnestly to live the way the Prophets have instructed us to. With God all things are possible and there is no career more rewarding in the eternal sense than being a mother to your children and raising them so that they can be with you in the hereafter.”

 

Keeping a positive attitude is key in finding joy in being a homemaker. On mom commented, “I find that my job as a mother challenges me mentally, physically, spiritually, and socially. I don’t think there is an aspect of my life that is not challenged by the new role that I hold, but nothing in my life has been half as rewarding. There are days that seem as if they will never end and when I crawl into bed after the boys have been asleep for a couple of hours already. I miss them so much and can’t wait until morning time when they great me with big smiles and hugs. I have never had any co-workers be as excited to see me as my children are and nothing tops their smiles first thing in the morning.”

 

Making the decision to stay at home should be approached with much prayer. Our Heavenly Father knows each of us intimately. He knows and appreciates the desires of our heats and, through the holy ghost, is able to comfort and guide us. He will bless us for being willing to follow the prophet in something that we may not yet understand if we will seek his help and guidance.

 

One of our season grandma friends spoke for the majority when she told us, “My view is that your children leave home way too soon . . . though you do not notice it at the time how fast the days go by . . . and every moment spent with them developing bonds of loe and friendship and memories of joyous times together is time well spent. No other activities can compensate for failing to build these memories and bonds together. There is no way to create in later life things that should have been in place when the children were little . . . days past cannot be reclaimed.”

 

President Foust said something like "Women today want it all - travel, career, family - and they can have it all, just not all at once. You don't have to sing all the verses of the song of your life at the same time. There is a time and a season for everything." I need to find that exact quote.