Making the most of being a Mommy: The New You

The most shocking aspect of becoming a mother is realizing that you are no longer going to receive consistent rewards and gratitude for your efforts. You will not be promoted when you have changed over 300 diapers, even if you accomplish that in just one month. You will not get a report card indicating that you have received all A’s – for Breastfeeding 101, Stroller jogging 200, No-sleep Functioning 3000, or even Advanced Colic Studies. Your husband will probably try to fill in this void if you request it, but he will simply not have time to thank you for the five times you got up in the night, the six times you scrubbed the carpet during one potty-training day, or the seven batches of laundry you will eventually do each and every week. This is when you need to seek situations for continued self-development outside your home and (I’m sorry, it’s harsh) grow up a little. You are the mother now.

On a softer note, there are small rewards, which you should acknowledge daily. The first time your baby smiles, he is responding to your affection – that is a reward. The milestones your children accomplish are somewhat a result of the attention and guidance you have given them. When you see that your children are becoming kind, intelligent, and creative individuals, you MUST see that you are being rewarded for your labors and cherish the thought. And one day, your three year old will look up from her coloring and say with soft, sincere eyes, “Mommy . . . I just love you. That’s all.” And that will be your Mother of the Year award, and it will affect your life much more than your graduation ceremony or your annual bonus. (And you must remember it later when your son tells an audience of neighborhood mothers that you washed his mouth out with soap. Or when your husband tells friends that your baby sleeps through the night, when actually it is only your husband who sleeps through the night.)

If you are lonely it is time to get creative and get out of the house. We understand how difficult it can be to be cooped up while you baby is sleeping his life away so get out when you can. Sometimes a bit of fresh air or seeing people at the grocery store will help to ease the alone time. Although one of our friends put this into proper perspective when she said, “I used to regret the things that I couldn’t do, but I am learning to see that the things I am doing are more important to me.”

Community Involvement

One of the best ways to cope with loneliness is to get out of the house and become involved in the community. Our mommy friends have all kinds of ideas for becoming involved in the community. Community involvement becomes a tricky balance. It seems to be the trend that initially moms are board and so they get involved with many different things and find themselves too busy. Try a few things and recognize you are normal if you have to give up your group at a later date. Some of the things our friends suggested are the following:

Join the YMCA

Go to the neighborhood play group

Attend the American Mother’s or MOMS club meetings

Join an association

Do contract work to keep up your job skills

Involve yourself in the enrichment activities

Start a book club

Take a community education class

Join the school PTA

Be a room mother

Find out about Arts in the Park or other community activities

Magnify your church calling

Do your visiting teaching

Volunteer at a Community Center

Take and institute class (they have them for mom’s and babies)

Seek out these activities or start your own. Guaranteed you will be a happier mommy if you are not alone with your kids day in and day out, and most of these activities are kid friendly. Your kids will enjoy getting out of the house too. Do not wait for these activities to come to you.

Get out of the House

Following are a few more free ideas our friends gave for getting out of the house with the kids:

Go window-shopping

Go park hopping

Go hiking

Go exploring

Go to the gym or go for a walk

Mommy Time

We agree that one of the most difficult things about transitioning into motherhood is the loss of social contact you one had. One of our mommy friends said the following about her experience. “Suddenly having so much time with just by baby was hard to adjust to. Also, once I became a mother it seemed almost overwhelming to try to balance everything. I still wanted to be involved in the community, help my neighbors, take care of my family, be active in my church, and a whole list of other things, and I had to realize that the most important thing was my new baby, and put all of the other things in their proper place. That was hard to deal with for me because I enjoy doing many things at once. I had to learn my limits.” Set aside some time every day if possible, but at least every week to have some mommy time. While you have just one baby who takes napes mommy time is not so hard to come by. In fact, you might find it difficult to fill all of your mommy time. The important thing is not to loose your identity. What is it that you enjoy doing? Do you enjoy service, reading, running, napping, cleaning, scrap booking, writing, studying, emailing, or cooking? Whatever it is, take time to do your thing.

Depression

Regardless of what Tom Cruise says, postpartum depression is real. It is nothing to be ashamed of, and we strongly urge you to get help if you feel you might be experiencing it. It is a wonderful thing to live in the 21st centaury when there is help available for this serious problem. Don’t ever think you have to suffer in silence. Do not fall into the trap of thinking you are a bad person because you cannot be happy about the baby or don’t feel love for it. Once your body heals, you will realize it was the illness and that you really do love and cherish the baby. One of Satan’s greatest tools is to make us feel worthless and guilty about things out of our control. President Kimball urged us to use medical advances because they are given to us by God. That includes treatment for depression.

The process of childbirth, coupled with sleepless night, often leads to exhaustion, which can then lead to depression. Try to stop the cycle before it spirals downward by accepting any help that is offered, and by making sleep and nutritious food a priority. Also, utilize the help that is offered. Try to spread it out so that it doesn’t all come the first week leaving you alone suddenly in week two. Our friends also recommend telling people, starting with friends and family when you are not coping well. It is nothing to be ashamed of. We all have people who care for us and want to help.

One of our friends shared her story. “I have had postpartum depression after both of my children. It is very common, more common than I had realized. It went on for months and months after my first child. Luckily, it wasn’t violent, but it was destructive. I think it prevented me from fully bonding with my first child. It impeded my progress, it hurt my relationship with my husband, and I had no idea what was happening until it had gone on for months. I promised myself that if I started to feel depressed after my second child was born, that I would get help. That is exactly what I did. A couple weeks after my second child was born, I found myself incapable of coming with normal situations. All I could do was cry. I felt crippled emotionally. It took a lot of courage, but I got help. I got on an antidepressant that was still safe to nurse with and I got over it. I was on the medication for about four months before I eased myself off of it.

“Post partum depression, for me anyway, is linked to the hormone drop after delivery. During pregnancy, your hormones are at a high. After you give birth, they don’t gradually go down – they just drop off. I just needed a little help to get back to normal. I didn’t question the happiness or normalcy I felt on the medication. I was just relieved. Trying to cope myself didn’t help anyone, especially me. Nothing is wrong with you mentally if you have postpartum depression; your body just needs a little boost. You’ve just brought new life into this world and it is difficult for all parts of you. Get help if you need it, and don’t feel alone. Many of us have had postpartum depression. It is one of the sacrifices we make tin becoming mothers.”

Another friend shared, “my greatest struggle in this area came when it was time for me to return to work after my daughter was born. It was one of the most difficult things that I have ever had to do. I think it was only with the support of my amazing family and my Father in heaven that I was able to do so. I have always wanted to be a mom and to stay home with my kids. When I was finally able to have my daughter, I felt like I was being untrue to my self and to her going back to work (especially when I was enjoying work.) I spent many sleepless nights crying and walking the floor. This was the lowest point of my motherhood. I felt very alone. I didn’t think it was postpartum depression at the time. I attributed it to going back to work. But I have wondered since. I can now easily understand how mothers worry and don’t want to talk to anyone when dealing with these issues. I never wanted to hurt my daughter, but I was really struggling and I didn’t see the signs.”

One of our friends assessed why she has had less depression with her third child than she did with her second. “The birth of my second child brought some post-partum depression. It just seemed so impossible to keep two tiny people alive and stay sane at the same time. So far, the switch to three has been a piece of cake (for me, if not for the troubled new big sister in the house). Why? First, larger spacing between children (three years instead of two). Second, a few months of counseling through LDS social services (never underestimate the value of a professional’s ability to help you make changes that can improve every single aspect of your life). Third, a different approach to parenting (“Babywise”scheduled feedings/independent sleep vs. “Dr. Sears/ La Leche League” demand feeding/co-sleeping).”

One of our friends reminded us of an important point about being a mom. She said, “I don’t have to follow someone else’s system. Heavenly Father sent certain spirits to my home because they needed ME as their mother, not the lady next door or the author of the latest parenting book.” When we realize this we can be less critical of ourselves and of others. If someone does things differently than you would, it is okay because their children need what they have to offer. We like to assume that everyone is doing the best that they can.